I keep getting shot down. I'll have a story developing and the hearings get canceled, the judge just issues a decision with no public hearing, or worst yet, the survivors decide they want to keep their stories secret.

Every time I get something going, it gets shot down. I was shooting stuff at the cathedral when my camera got too hot, so now I have lost that major form of expression.

There is ABSOLUTELY NO SUPPORT for survivors in LA, or if there is, I do not hear about it. The real result I think of giving a lot of people settlements is they become of another class and -- disappear. Everyone disappears.

The two or three people who are supportive of me here are great, but truth is, I am doing this very much alone, and this is not a pursuit that should be undertaken completely alone. You start to imagine things and there is no one to tell you it's your imagination.

I feel overwhelmed by the sheer wealth and endless strength of archbishops etcetera to control everything, keep people mystified, brainwashed. The most discouraging thing in my life, perhaps, was seeing all those families filing into the church with their children, when I went to visit my perpetrator church last summer, and realizing no matter what we do --

They just keep doing what they have always been doing and kids are still in danger in Catholic churches, and I have to sit here on the sidelines and just watch, unable to do anything.

This blog is done on zero resources, created literally out of thin air. Some months I cannot even buy bus fare downtown to go to hearings. My perpetrator church has acquired acreage and has perfect landscaping on every square foot. . .

This blog has caused me to lose all my friends, and make no new ones. . . it wears me out, puts worry lines on my face, and has made me have a defeated attitude and lose the flower child faith I used to have in people. . .

I don't know if I will be able to put out any more posts. I feel like Tinkerbell fading, and no one is applauding.

How soon they forget. . .